Halloween is AWESOME, BUT You May Be A Communist.

Halloween is the MOST AWESOME holiday ever.....

There may  be other holidays that are also  awesome, but I doubt it and thinking so probably makes you a COMMUNIST.  (wait, do we still hate communists or am I dating myself???).

Let's objectively evaluate the FACTS, shall we?

On Halloween the following occurs:

-people knock on your door and demand free candy then judge you if you're not giving out WHOLE candy bars

-people dress their bratty children as cute cartoon characters so you have to fake-like them or seem like a total ASSHOLE

-you can have disgusting teeth and it's ok because people will think it's your "costume"

-people cut open pumpkins, pull out their slimy, gooey, guts then leave them to rot on their porch

-people deliberately decorate their front yards to SCARE THE SHIT out of small children

-your union does not approve a PAID holiday off for any of the above

Wait...what the?

FUCK.

Halloween TOTALLY SUCKS. 

What the hell was I thinking?!

THIS HOLIDAY BLOWS CHUNKS (unless it becomes a union-approved paid holiday, in which case...YAY, free day off!)

Sound Advice

*I shared the below story with a few work colleagues and they just sat there, staring at me blankly. 

While I am accustomed to people staring blankly at me when I speak, on this occasion I was shocked. 

why are you not rolling on the floor in laughter?!  THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS. 
 
As it turns out, these particular work colleagues have been living under a rock have some class, and therefore were NOT familiar with the below referenced slang term that I found to be so hilarious. 

So for those of you who also have some class aren't familiar with a certain word I use below, allow me to prepare you:  

From Urban Dictionary:

1. Queef

an expulsion of wind from the vulva during coitus; a vaginal fart.

EXAMPLE: Rumor has it that Thea can queef the alphabet*.

 

*that's Urban dictionary's example...not mine.

Now, commence reading the below blog post...You're Welcome.


Recently at The Job, I went to visit a client-who I shall henceforth refer to as "Bob".  On this particular occasion Bob needed some...unconventional help.

Because I'm a PROfessional and all, I was happy to oblige. 

The following conversation occurred:

Bob: I need some lady advice.
Me: Bring it
Bob: So I got this girl and we was talking for a minute but now she all up in my business
Me: Uh huh.
Bob: So I don't be into her no more.
Me: Sure, yeah.
Bob: But she don't feel me, you know?
Me: I think I understand the situation.  To summarize; You tapped that shit, and now you want her to go away, right?
Bob: yeah
Me: Tell her you have crabs.
Bob: huh?
Me: Seriously.  A "lady" don't want nothin' to do with a guy who has crabs. 
Bob: Naw
Me: That's sound advice Bob.
Bob: Nawwwwwwww.
Me: Can I see a picture?
Bob: (pulls out his cell phone and shows me a picture)
Me: Ohhhh.  I can see why you need advice.  It's not "lady" advice really because I'm pretty sure she doesn't qualify as such, but I see your dilemma for sure.
Bob: What you think?
Me: What's her name?
Bob: LaQueefa.
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Bob: LaQueefa.
*pause*
Me: Can you spell it for me?
Bob: L-A-Q-U-E-E-F-A
Me: And you're sure that's pronounced LAH-KWEEF-AH?
Bob: Yeah.
Me: is that a nickname you gave her or her God-given birth name?
Bob: huh?
Me: Nevermind. I got some advice for you, Bob. You ready?
Bob: Yeah
Me: Stay away from women who are named after vagina farts.
Bob: Uh huh.
Me: Frankly, that shoulda been a red flag Bob.  RED FLAG. 

Elevator Safety (w/ helpful CHARTS & GRAPHS).

I'm 'bout to pull rank on y'all. 

You see, recently it has come to my attention that there is an ENDEMIC of poor elevator-riding manners sweeping the country.

Aaaand, I don't mean to get all I'm-an-elevator-riding-expert on your ass, BUT when it comes to elevator riding, I consider myself something of an PROfessional. 

I have ridden in MANY elevators. 

This also means that I have much experience waiting for elevators in lobby's of buildings and what not.

Therefore, I am ALSO an expert on waiting for elevators (see below algabreic MATH equation...#boom)

I suspect, if there were some kind of certificate awarded for people based exclusively on their elevator-waiting/riding experience, I would be ALL OVER THAT SHIT.

I would have a certificate (at least if not a CROWN) on my perfectly-shaped-for-crowns head.

So, given the above evidence, can we all agree that I am somewhat of an expert on elevator waiting/riding?

Ok, great.

Now that we've established my expertise in this area, allow me to explain how elevators work.

(here's where things may become confusing...DON'T PANIC...I'm about to walk you through it y'all.

You, the human, enter a lobby and push the call button. 

Next the elevator responds, arriving at your floor.  

At this point, there will be probably, usually, in most circumstances be actual human people already ON the elevator when it arrives at your floor.

DO NOT PANIC.

This is totally normal behavior, and is customary for life here on Earth (so disregard if you believe you are an Alien Life Form (ALF)--you ALF's are excused from the aforementioned "normalcy"...CARRY ON WEIRDOS **if you're laughing right now, you obviously have NEVER been to San Francisco** )

In addition, to people being ON the elevator when it arrives at your floor, BE ADVISED, these same people may desire to EXIT at the very exact same place which you are trying to ENTER.

Rest assured, fellow elevator riders, that I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever IN MY INFINATE ELEVATOR RIDING EXPERIENCES seen one elevator door maliciously and deliberately try to shut it’s doors before those who are EXITING have completed the exiting process so that you who are waiting to ENTER cannot get on.

Therefore those of you who are not so patiently waiting a lift to another floor, have no real reason to BUM RUSH those who are attempting to EXIT said elevator as they attempt to exit. 

Listen closely friends....elevators are designed to allow people to both exit and enter.

Based on my previously established expertise in this area, I can assure you that THE ELEVATOR WILL STILL BE HERE, DOORS OPEN, ONCE I GET OFF OF IT. 



I feel that perhaps a chart is necessary, given the abundant prevalence of elevator bum-rushing happening these days....



Got it?

 

GREAT. 


YOU'RE WELCOME.

Texty Tuesdays: Tweaking Twerking 12 year olds.

Welcome to Texy Tuesdays!  Posts in which I copy onto this here blog actual, REAL text conversations that occurred between myself and my sister, Meg...These conversations are real-despite what you may think after reading them such as, "what?!  THAT didn't happen...and even if it did, there's no way anyone in their RIGHT MIND would post that on the internets for the whole world to read." (that was you talking to yourself in my head)

Well rest assured, dear reader (reader, not READERS because there's only ONE of you that I know of) I am actually not IN my right mind for most of the time.  So there.

This post could also be called, 'Why I Should Not Be Allowed Around Children; Part 2,  Part 3,  Part 23,  Why I Should NEVER EVER Be Allowed Around Children Ever Again, which is also what I'm considering renaming this blog.

Recently my 13 year old nephew asked me to chaperone his school dance. 

Something he clearly didn't think through very well. 

I, on the other hand, was TOTALLY STOKED to have another opportunity to prove that, contrary to popular belief, I am the responsible sister.

My responsible prudish sister was understandably nervous given my past history.  Also see here, here, here, and here.

So I decided I would keep her updated regularly so as to reassure her that all was going well. 

BECAUSE I'M RESPONSIBLE LIKE THAT contrary to popular belief.

Once at the dance, I was given the all important task of manning the 'drink station'.  Clearly the Sunol Glen Elementary school staff had never met me before had faith in my ability to responsibly interact with children thankyouverymuch.

The following text message exchange occurred: 

Me: Convo in the car on the way over:
     Me: So, are you boys ready for some debauchery?
     Joe(nephew): No Mimi, no.
     Me: What?
     Joe: Control yourself tonight, ok?
     Me: I don't know what you're talking about.
     Joe: There'll be no wine there so you should be good.
     Me: What?!  There's no wine?!  What kind of party is this?
     Joe: Please don't embarrass me tonight.
     Me: Wait, you DON'T want me to embarrass you?
     Joe: No, please.
     Me: Well SOMEONE didn't fully think this plan through did HE?
Meg: lol

*47 minutes later*

Me: Just got scolded for allowing the kids to "linger" at the drink station.  I replied, "um...of course they are.  have YOU ever talked to me?!" was met with a blank stare
Meg: *no response*
Me: Aaand I just accidentally used the word ERECTION in front of one of Joe's friends.  ON ACCIDENT.
Meg: *no response*

*62 minutes later*

Me: I'm bout to holler at this girl who keeps hugging joe
Me: WATCH OUT BITCH
Meg: it's ok.
Me: Oh snap!  A conga line just broke out!  This party is OFF THE CHAIN!

*39 minutes later*

Me: Just gave a bunch of 11 year olds a twerking lesson.  YOU'RE WELCOME SUNOL GLEN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!
Meg: Noooooooooooo
Me: *no response*
Meg: Ur gonna get kicked out!
Me: *no response*
Meg: Tweaking is illegal!
Me: Well ofCOURSE tweaking is illegal, they're clearly not old enough to be using meth.
Meg: *no response*
Me: Ok, how come the dj gets to play "your sex takes me to paradise" but I can't teach a bunch of needy children the latest dance craze?  UNFAIR.

Mabel & Fiona: Happily Ever After

Soooo, either Mabel loves Fiona....

OR she's putting the naughty bitch in a headlock...

My bet is on the LATTER.

Judgy McJudgerston

Yes, I do know it's only 2pm, your point?....What?...it's been a rough week....I can see you, you know. I can see you judging me.