I’m infected with porn.

One upon a time, whilst innocently minding my own business, trolling the internet for recommendations as to how one might remove permanent marker from the naked torso of a two year old...I became infected with porn. 

By the way, did you know that you shouldn't give permanent markers to a toddler?  They will eat them and, also, draw all over themselves which means that you will then spend much of your evening trying to scrub permanent marker off their naked torso.

FYI.
So there I am innocently using the internet in an attempt to figure out how to remove all traces of the permanent marker I let my neice eat and draw on herself with before her mother arrives home, when all of these message boxes began popping up telling me I needed to download anti-virus software IMMEDIATELY  as my computer MAY ALREADY BE INFECTED!!!!! 

OMG. 

I MAY ALREADY BE INFECTED!!!! 

Thank God I had these convenient pop-up boxes warning me and very helpfully offering a solution!

So I clicked.

And this is how I came to be picking up my laptop from quarantine at the local computer store.

And this is how I met Jim, Super-Hero/Computer-Fixer-Of-All-Things-Computer-Related (not his real title).

Jim fixed my computer.

It turns out all of the helpful pop-ups were not so helpful, but rather were, IN FACT, evil messengers of destruction laced with the internet equivalent of arsenic causing my computer to hemorrhage usefulness until it was just about as helpful as my Dad was when he took me to buy my first training bra-which was NOT very helpful at all. 

No offense Dad.

Jim, however, is very helpful. 

Jim is very helpful with computers. 

Jim is not very helpful in breaking the stereotype of the socially awkward, hygienically challenged, fashion backwards computer geek.

Excuse me while I interrupt myself for a Public (meaning mostly Jim) Service Announcement:

Dear Public (meaning mostly Jim),

Socks are not necessary when you’re wearing Birkenstocks.

The End.

You’re welcome.

It’s funny to me (read that as not-so-funny) how the universe always has its own special way of exacting revenge just when I think it’s safe to recklessly toss around judgment and condemnation.  Such as when one innocently insinuates that all computer geeks wear socks with Birkenstocks, for example.

Damn you Universe.

My interaction with Jim went something like this:  

Me: (silently to myself and in my own head) "Wow.  He is wearing socks with Birkenstocks…I am going to judge and condemn him silently to myself and then later out loud on my blog that no one reads."

Jim:  “So (insert awkward pause here)…are you the only one who uses this computer?”

Me: “Yes.  Absolutely, definitively, yes.  Me.  Only me.  Just me.  Solo mia.”

Jim:  “Well…I mean…it’s just that…see, when I was done removing the virus I clicked on Internet Explorer and it asked me if I wanted to restore my last browsing session…”

This is where I began to feel concerned. 

It’s not that I have anything to be ashamed of, so to speak.  I’m not trying to hide anything.  (Aside from the fact that I fed my neice permanent marker, that is.)  It’s just that I’d rather strangers NOT be privy to some of the things I type into a Google search on any given day.

My life is very irregular, after all.  You never know what might happen.  Or what I might need to Google.

An innocent query might easily be misconstrued.  Say, for example, “how to remove permanent marker from infant nipples.”   

Jim: "It’s just that, you know….it took me to a...um, well…to some pornographic material."
Me: "What?!  That's weird.  How'd that happen?"
*insert awkward silence*
Jim: "So....yeah.  I just...I mean, I thought you should know..."
Me:  "Oh yeah....of course.  Thanks....for that."
*insert crickets chirping here*
Me: "You know Jim, I really shouldn't be trusted to watch after other people's children in the first place.  I'm really very irresponsible.  VERY, VERY irresponsible.  I mean what kind of idiot would let me watch their kids anyways, right?  Let alone scrub their nipples.   I mean, that's just silly, right?"

You can see how one might jump to erroneous conclusions.

And check the local sex offender registry. 

When in fact it was merely a dutiful, doting, babysitting Aunt trying to cover for the fact that she left her neice alone with permanent markers.

If one is judgmental like that, of course.

Which I am not.

And this, ladies and gentleman, is why I will never leave the house again.