Ahh, the Holiday Season...
The time of year where we all are kind and generous to each other and don’t run over other people with our carts at Target whilst trying to get to the last *insert unimportant item here*....
Wait, what?
It’s OPPOSITE DAY?
Oh well that makes so much more sense then. Carry on assholes.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Friday, December 13, 2013
WTF Wednesdays: Rough, lesbian, sex
One of my favorite persons on earth (outside of the bakery lady at Safeway who gives out free cookies) is my friend Elle.
Elle and I have known each other for the better part of 20 years now (that's right, i started making friends when I was 2 years old...I'm a savant...deal with it), and we have become so close our conversations sometimes resemble that of elderly married couples. That is to say that our conversations are often random and incoherent.
Elle and I talk and text often, but we only hang out in-person once a month or so. These rare in-person events always includeseveral bottles a SINGLE bottle of good wine at a great restaurant.
Unfortunately, neither of us has much of an alcohol tolerance so For no explicable reason, the evening quickly becomes a comedy of errors. Thanks to a new app i downloaded which allows me to record things at whim, I was able to document one such outing and the conversation that followed.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
Me: This is fun. We should make this, like, a regular thing we do...regularly.
Elle: Like how regular?
Me: Once a month.
Elle: Ok, but this can't interfere with my sex life.
Me: What?
Elle: You know?
Me: What does your sex life have to do with us getting together for dinner and drinks once a month?
Elle: Because of the spa thing.
Me: Are you propositioning me? Because I don't find you attractive, no offense.
Elle: I thought we were talking about going to the spa?
Me: What kind of spa did you have in mind exactly?
Elle: I'm like '50 Shades of Gray'
Me: What? Isn't '50 Shades of Gray' a book about sex? I totally do not want to have sex with you, if I haven't already made that clear.
Elle: What?
Me: I just want to get drunk over dinner once a month and NOT have lesbian sex at a sex spa.
Elle: I like it rough, like the main character in '50 Shades of Gray'...the book. I AM her.
Me: I don't know how I can make it any more clear to you that I do NOT want to have sex with you...rough or otherwise.
Elle: So are we going to the spa or what?
Me: If this is a sex spa, I am not into you like that.
Elle: Why do we always end up talking about my sex life?
Me: I don't know, you brought it up. I just wanted to go to dinner and then you were all like, "i like rough sex," and I was all like, I don’t want to have sex with you and you were all like-
Elle: No, no, no, not WITH YOU, with Joe (her boyfriend). Why would I want to have sex with you? You don't have a penis.
Me: I don’t know, you brought it up.
Elle: I did not!
Me: Um, yes you did. I have it all here (tapping iphone). It's all on tape.
This is where the conversation stops as I play back, for an incredulous Elle, her lesbian sex proposition to me....IT'S ALL ON TAPE.
In fairness, so as to spread the shame around equally, I should also note that immediately after this conversation-as we were walking from the restaraunt to our waiting cab-I spotted an ex-boyfriend (who is a police officer) performing a traffic stop on some poor motorist and proceeded to make a fool out of myself in public-which may or may not have included my making a proposition for "ex sex" to a sworn peace officer who looked remarkably similar to my ex-boyfriend.
Becasue I'm COOL like that.
#boom
Elle and I have known each other for the better part of 20 years now (that's right, i started making friends when I was 2 years old...I'm a savant...deal with it), and we have become so close our conversations sometimes resemble that of elderly married couples. That is to say that our conversations are often random and incoherent.
Elle and I talk and text often, but we only hang out in-person once a month or so. These rare in-person events always include
YOU'RE WELCOME.
Me: This is fun. We should make this, like, a regular thing we do...regularly.
Elle: Like how regular?
Me: Once a month.
Elle: Ok, but this can't interfere with my sex life.
Me: What?
Elle: You know?
Me: What does your sex life have to do with us getting together for dinner and drinks once a month?
Elle: Because of the spa thing.
Me: Are you propositioning me? Because I don't find you attractive, no offense.
Elle: I thought we were talking about going to the spa?
Me: What kind of spa did you have in mind exactly?
Elle: I'm like '50 Shades of Gray'
Me: What? Isn't '50 Shades of Gray' a book about sex? I totally do not want to have sex with you, if I haven't already made that clear.
Elle: What?
Me: I just want to get drunk over dinner once a month and NOT have lesbian sex at a sex spa.
Elle: I like it rough, like the main character in '50 Shades of Gray'...the book. I AM her.
Me: I don't know how I can make it any more clear to you that I do NOT want to have sex with you...rough or otherwise.
Elle: So are we going to the spa or what?
Me: If this is a sex spa, I am not into you like that.
Elle: Why do we always end up talking about my sex life?
Me: I don't know, you brought it up. I just wanted to go to dinner and then you were all like, "i like rough sex," and I was all like, I don’t want to have sex with you and you were all like-
Elle: No, no, no, not WITH YOU, with Joe (her boyfriend). Why would I want to have sex with you? You don't have a penis.
Me: I don’t know, you brought it up.
Elle: I did not!
Me: Um, yes you did. I have it all here (tapping iphone). It's all on tape.
This is where the conversation stops as I play back, for an incredulous Elle, her lesbian sex proposition to me....IT'S ALL ON TAPE.
In fairness, so as to spread the shame around equally, I should also note that immediately after this conversation-as we were walking from the restaraunt to our waiting cab-I spotted an ex-boyfriend (who is a police officer) performing a traffic stop on some poor motorist and proceeded to make a fool out of myself in public-which may or may not have included my making a proposition for "ex sex" to a sworn peace officer who looked remarkably similar to my ex-boyfriend.
Becasue I'm COOL like that.
#boom
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Pissing Cherubs, Buckets of Wine & Scooters.
A few weekends ago I went to a family reunion.
My family members have stuff like this in their backyard.
That's how we roll.
I chose to bypass the pissing cherub and instead headed straight for the bucket of wine.
That's how I roll.
Yes, we're of German and Irish stock so there are buckets of wine at our family reunions.
THANK GOD.
And then this 10 year old that I am somehow remotely related to was all, like, "I'M A SCOOTER RIDING GENIUS!"
And, of course, I couldn't just let that claim go unchallenged.
So then this happened.
My family members have stuff like this in their backyard.
That's how we roll.
I chose to bypass the pissing cherub and instead headed straight for the bucket of wine.
That's how I roll.
Yes, we're of German and Irish stock so there are buckets of wine at our family reunions.
THANK GOD.
And then this 10 year old that I am somehow remotely related to was all, like, "I'M A SCOOTER RIDING GENIUS!"
And, of course, I couldn't just let that claim go unchallenged.
So then this happened.
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