Conversations: My Niece

This is a conversation I had with my niece, whom I shall call "Niece" and who is 4 and half.

For 4.5 years I have been telling her that the 4^th of July parade we go to each year is thrown for ME, in MY honor, to celebrate MY birthday. 

This year for the first time, that lie has backfired. 

More proof that getting old SUCKS ASS.

Me: You know what’s happening in two weeks?

Niece: Christmas!

Me: What?  No dude, it’s June. 

Niece: Ice cream!

Me: No, better.

Niece: *blank stare*

Me: My birthday!

Niece: Again?

Me: What do you mean again?

Niece: Aren’t you old enough yet?

Me: I deeply resent that but it’s ok, you can make it up to me by getting me something awesome for my birthday.

Niece: I know!  For your birthday, I will get you three packages that you can mail to me!

Me: What?  How does that even work?

Niece: I don’t know, but you could just do it ok?

Me: Whatever. That’s lame.  It’s my birthday, I’m supposed to get the packages, not you.

Niece: Well, you get the parade.

Me: Dammit.

Man Eating Vaginas, Magical Penises & Cat Murderers: NSFW

In case you live in a cave or are blind you missed the most awesome vagina story EVER this week.

Some moron an American exchange student got trapped in a giant vagina whilst touring Germany.

Need a visual?

ALLOW ME....

What's that, you say?

Hard to tell that this otherwise unassuming young man is trapped in a giant vagina sculpture? 

ALLOW ME....

The offending vagina:

Confused?

So was he.  Apparently.  Which is why he though he could crawl all up in there and find the Holy Land.

So am I, frankly.

I mean, what the hell kind of vagina is that?

Does YOUR vagina look like that?

ME NEITHER.

Has the artist who created this sculpture ever actually SEEN a human female vagina?

*sigh* I DIGRESS.

The REAL story here is what happened after I became obsessed with vaginas over the weekend.

Frankly, this whole "GIANT VAGINA TRAPS MAN!!!!" sensation that swept the internet TOTALLY kept me from doing any real work whatsoever.

Damn those giant man trapping vaginas.

(FYI: the whole purpose of this particular blog entry is to use the word "VAGINA" as much as is possible in one blog post...YOU'RE WELCOME)

So, naturally, I spent an inordinate amount of time this week googling vaginas.

Didn't you?

You would be surprised at how many people have done strange things to their nether regions and then taken pictures of them which they posted on the internets.

Or, maybe you wouldn't--WHO AM I TO JUDGE.

Either way, I strongly suggest you take moment to google, "GIANT MAN TRAPPING VAGINA"

I found the following...


I know.

I hardly know where to begin. 

Let's begin with magical penises, shall we?  THIS picture is of Huang Jianjun, of Guangzhou Guangdong Province, China *insert boring picture here*:

He apparently has a very special penis which traps ghosts. Or at least so he said to a woman who withheld her nether regions on account of how they are haunted.  

Haunted vagina INDEED...Clever gal.

Here's a picture of a man posing with dead "pussy's" for no real reason except that when you google "giant man eating vagina" you risk getting pictures of cats as a metaphor for vaginas....and sadist cat murderers, apparently. 

 I could go on for DAYS people.

DAYS.

*sigh*

God Bless the internet.

Pee Problems.

Took my sister's youngest to the water park recently. 

The day began with my sister dropping her two youngest off on my porch with a few bags full of swim stuff hollering behind her as she bolted like the devil for her car walked calmly back to her vehicle, "Have fun!"

After feeding them both lunch, I went to put the swimsuit on the 2 year old when it occurred to me that she wears diapers.

Having spilled many a beer on my own lap I am familiar at this point with the laws of absorption, therefore I knew I couldn't put her swimsuit OVER her diaper, but I figured there must be some genius somewhere who'd created a solution.

Sure enough.

Enter: the Swim Diaper.

A diaper with apparently SUPER diaper powers.

To absorb PEE.

Buuuut....my sister didn't have one of those. 

Don't worry, she said when I called her--swim bottoms in one hand, wriggling half naked baby in the other--to ask, "WHERE ARE THE SWIM DIAPERS?!"

"Oh," she says.  "You can buy them at the park for $3."

WTF.

I am not buying a glorified wad of cotton to shove in between a toddlers legs so as to absorb PEE at a WATER PARK for $3.

That's highway robbery y'all.

We're going to a WATER park...where she'll be in a POOL OF WATER*.

So I put the swim bottoms on sans ANYTHING and extracted a promise from her to NOT pee in my car EN ROUTE to the waterpark.

I know. 

Sometimes I also like to hold scissors and run at the same time too.

I'm kind of a rebel like that.

 None the less, there I was at the water park with said child tolerating the squealing enjoying the day when I hear....

"I go pee."

I turn around, "What?"

She repeats, "I go pee," this time pointing helpfully at the puddle by her feet.

"I go pee," she says helpfully pointing.

*OH SHUT UP.  I know y'all done peed in the shower/bath/pool/waterpark before do don't go JUDGING me JudgyMcJudgerstons.

Sugar Lips

Turns out I can't even be trusted to babysit Guinea Pigs. 

Five minutes in my care and I've got Sugar all tramped up like a total harlot.

 

 In my defense, bold lips are totally in this summer....

What. The. Fuck.

Do you ever sometimes notice something about yourself, and you're all like...

What.  The.  Fuck.  Is.  Happening?!

And then you do the math in your head and realize AGE is what's happening.

You are approaching OLD.

I do.

About once a week these days.

This week I noticed the two horizontal lines on my forehead that don't go away despite my best efforts to relax my face.

I also noticed 37 gray hairs. 

I plucked 17 of them before my ADD got the better of me and I lost focus.

Some things about aging I like. 

SOME.

Most I do not.

I do not like:

-gray hair
-achy joints
-that I have to stop and wait for my hips to adjust when rising from an extended sitting period
-wrinkles
-age spots
-decreased brain plasticity
-mammograms
-worrying about retirement plans
-fucking EVERYTHING

Which brings me to what I DO like about aging....

I'm sorry, what was I talking about?

I'm so old I can't remember.

Naked Floaty Riding

Just another Friday night babysitting my sister's kids...

Watch out neighborhood.  There's a pants-less, floaty riding cowgirl running amok....

I can only do so much.

Chasing after her might cause me to spill my wine.

Auto Correct Fucks Me Over...As per USUAL.

I have a love/hate relationship with autocorrect. 

Who codes this shit?  Because sometimes when I'm typing and autocorrect replaces a word for me I'm super grateful, like, "that's EXACTLY what I was thinking!!!  THANK YOU Autocorrect for saving me three extra finger swipes!"

Other times...autocorrect is like that dumb friend who accidentally blurts out the shit you told her in confidence which she SWORE to keep to herself only she's really stupid and so it comes out anyways because she can't help it on account of her generally below average intelligence....

Dog Shaming

So I've noticed that there's this new internet trend called dog shaming, have you seen this?

I LOVE IT.