Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Dear People For Whom I Am Housesitting: Volume 2

Dear People For Whom I Am Housesitting,

Whoo hooo, I'm house-sitting again!  This is great, but seriously...Why did you invite me back?
I know.  You're related to me, and as we've all learned from that Davidian Sect...INBREEDING IS WHERE ALL THE LOYALTY'S AT.
Was that too much? 

Anyways.... I thought about reminding you of what happened the last time I house-sat, because I’m clearly not up to the challenge of responsibility.  But then I remembered that I currently live in my old childhood bedroom in my parent’s house.
So...of COURSE I'll house-sit your house-ness and your animals and safeguard all your valuables and...yeah…all that stuff...AGAIN....UNSUPERVISED, despite my previously established irresponsibility **.


As per usual when I'm in charge, many interesting things happened whilst you were gone but NONE of which demonstrate irresponsibility on my part including, but not limited to:
1) Who exactly was in charge of the garbage bins?  That part was unclear.  And, in fairness, the garbage bins that appeared on the curb on garbage day were super, totally, like, for real, similar to the ones that were collecting your garbage in "general" and which used to be in your side yard.  And, they were very similar to your own...only they never reappeared.  It should be noted that, according to the movie ‘Men In Black’, some aliens feed on garbage, so I wouldn’t entirely rule that out as a possibility for this garbagecan=-napping...especially in lieu of blaming me.

2) I may have accidentally downloaded some soft core porn on your Netflix account.   A few things of note here: First of all, what qualifies as “porn” EXACTLY?  I mean, I think you may need to lower your standards-just speaking in generalities for no real specific reason or anything.  And also, *SIDE NOTE*, I was rather innocently searching for the most recent episode of Tori Spelling’s latest reality show (Donna Martin 4 EVA!!!) , for which I may have entered  a combination of words that inadvertently led to pornographic videos.  THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN.  Who knew Donna Martin was into kink?!  NOT ME.

3) One of the Guinea Pigs disappeared.  Nevermind, I found it.

4) That incident where the alarm went off did NOT happen because I forgot the code and decided it would be a good idea to crawl in through the deceptively large appearing kitchen window.  In my defense, time has not been kind to my hips, as it turns out…but that’s neither here nor there since this all happened while I was out running a FIVE MILE marathon with your dog and thus was totally not my fault….since I wasn’t there and all.

5) The other Guinea Pig disappeared.  Nevermind, I replaced it found it.

6) OH! You have plants!  Those probably could have used some water.  I didn't notice though, on account of how I kept the blinds drawn to preserve energy whilst using the air conditioner because I'm SUPER responsible about energy use.

**See here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, & here for further evidence of my irresponsibility...

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Wordy Wednesdays: Man Meat

Learned another new word this week y'all:  Man Meat.

Need to hear it in a sentence?  ALLOW ME....

Me (to my client): So, remember how I kept nagging you about birth control?
Client: Yeah.
Me: And I was all, like, "you should probably use it or you'll end up with a baby" and you were all, like, "I don't need it, I'M GOOD".
Client: Yeah...So?
Me: And then you got pregnant anyways...
Client: *blank stare*
Me: So, then you, like, gave birth?
Client: *blank stare*
Me: To a know (pointing to said baby sleeping in stroller over yonder).
Client: *more blank staring only now with skepticism and disbelief*
Me: So I'd like to revisit the birth control conversation. On account of how you don't actually have any income or parenting skills to speak of and since child welfare is all up in your craw about you not really taking care of the kid you already have that they want to take away this one...
Client: Oh, you mean like birth control pills.
Me: I think you should probably use them. 
Client: I don't want to put poison in my body.  My body is a temple.
Me: (Ignoring the "FAMILY SIZE" bag of Flaming Cheetos) Ok, well there's always condoms.
Client: Oh no, I don't like anything on my man meat.
Me: *blank stare* What?
Client: *reciprocal blank stare* What?
Me: I'm sorry, did you just say 'man meat'?
Client: Yeah, man meat.  I like it plain.
Me: OK.  Um...Well, I guess I have no idea what to say to that.
Client: See?  How do you like it?  I mean, do you like your man meat all wrapped up an' shit?
Me: I think you may actually have a point.
Client: Thank you.
Me:  I'm unsure of how to proceed from here.
Client: You could offer to buy me a cookie.
Me: No.
Client: Fine, whatever.  I don't need your cookie.  I have my man meat.

Aaaand, lest you think I'd let my good friend Google off the hook....

May I present to you: Man Meat

Monday, August 4, 2014

How To Avoid Commitment...

When attempting to avoid a date is best to have an excuse that you can blame on OTHERS...

OR to at least have a "reasonable" religious excuse...

FYI, that's what I went with...When all else fails, blame Jesus.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Texy Tuesdays: Awkward Autocorrect Fails

Yeah, I said Autocorrect fails in the plural sense--as in more than one fail.

I'm sure you're SO surprised that lil ole me has used inappropriate words so much that autocorrect now makes really EMBARRASSING corrections that I don't notice until after I hit "SEND"


Seriously though, WTF autocorrect?


I feel like autocorrect is like that really hot side piece that you don't want your main piece to know about only it can't keep it's damn mouth shut about anything so it keeps ratting you out to your friends and before you know it EVERYONE knows all your business. 

I know y'all know what that's like you sluts you.

Recently my coworkers & I scheduled a Dim Sum lunch date. 

I was particularly looking forward to the pork buns. 

So much so that I skipped breakfast, AND my mid-morning snack AND my mid-mid-morning snack so that I could save room for the pork buns.

As the agreed upon time approached one coworker was missing in action.

Eager to indulge my love of pork buns I was approaching the state of HANGRY.

Hangry=when you get so hungry your blood sugar drops & you become simultaneously hungry AND angry.

Hungry + Angry=HANGRY

So I texted her to see WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG.

Said coworker arrived shortly thereafter...

Me: OMG, sorry dude.
Coworker: How many times do you have to use the word "porn" exactly before autocorrect just assumes that's what you mean when you enter "P-O-R" into your phone?
Me: Well...
Coworker: Because for me it would automatically correct that to be "PORK", not "PORN"...
Me: Well, I guess that's what we would call a difference in priorities...

Then there was this time...
I just can't win.
Fucking autocorrect.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Wordy Wednesdays: Wednesdays....WORD.

New blog feature! 

Need a minute to recover from the excitement? 




Occasionally I will post a new word I learned.

I will post this on a WEDNESDAY because alliterations are awesome and I'm desperate for any kind of gimmick that will make people want to read my blog....

Wednesdays Word is: DENTAL DAM.

I learned this new word at work (of course), via my favorite cubby mate-we share a row which totally makes us, like, total BFF's y'all...especially because I'm socially awkward and making actual BFF's is damn near impossible when you're afraid of, like, all people....

Your word, my friends is: DENTAL DAM.

Imma give you a minute to look it up...I recommend you Google it, but be careful to ensure that you click on "images" before hitting the "google search" button. 

Trust me.

I know of this which I speak.

Go ahead.  I'll wait....

Sorry, I couldn't wait....OMG LOOK:

I just...

There's no telling, y'all...the internet is just not a safe place. 

And then there's this...

I don't even want to know what's going on here...
Lest you googled "dental dam" for the purposes of aversion therapy there's this image that should make your vagina recoil:

I also found this:

Sorry, my friend, it's not your FINGERS that are supposed to trigger your gag...unless this is how you pre-game? Also, good job with the sunglasses one will EVER recognize you that way...Genius.

But for God's sake, don't SWALLOW...
Even the Pope himself is a fan....
Oh so crazy. 
Lest you think I'm anti-dental dam...

Ok, I'm SORRY but if that doesn't make you want to go out and shove someone's dick in your mouth then-ugh, I CANNOT HELP YOU and this whole blog is a giant WASTE OF MY TIME.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


My birthday happened, again. 



I asked for two things for my special day: a cake & some tequila sangria. 

This was my cake (note the fingerprints).

I wonder which SOMEONE helped themselves?


It's a mystery.

But WHO CARES because I found this giant vat of tequila sangria in my sisters fridge....

I said, "Oh shit!  Who else is coming?"

She replied, "No one...that's for you."


My sister...she really gets me.

I did NOT let my 2 year old niece have any...I SWEAR.

As usual, my little town threw a parade in my honor.

OH, shouldn't have.

You especially shouldn't have this...


Um...What IS this anyways?

Is that Roy Orbison?

NO matter.  I'm too drunk to care anyways...