Thursday, July 24, 2014

Texy Tuesdays: Awkward Autocorrect Fails

Yeah, I said Autocorrect fails in the plural sense--as in more than one fail.

I'm sure you're SO surprised that lil ole me has used inappropriate words so much that autocorrect now makes really EMBARRASSING corrections that I don't notice until after I hit "SEND"

SURPRISE.

Seriously though, WTF autocorrect?

WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITCH?

I feel like autocorrect is like that really hot side piece that you don't want your main piece to know about only it can't keep it's damn mouth shut about anything so it keeps ratting you out to your friends and before you know it EVERYONE knows all your business. 

I know y'all know what that's like you sluts you.

Recently my coworkers & I scheduled a Dim Sum lunch date. 

I was particularly looking forward to the pork buns. 

So much so that I skipped breakfast, AND my mid-morning snack AND my mid-mid-morning snack so that I could save room for the pork buns.

As the agreed upon time approached one coworker was missing in action.

Eager to indulge my love of pork buns I was approaching the state of HANGRY.

Hangry=when you get so hungry your blood sugar drops & you become simultaneously hungry AND angry.

Hungry + Angry=HANGRY

So I texted her to see WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG.




Said coworker arrived shortly thereafter...

Me: OMG, sorry dude.
Coworker: How many times do you have to use the word "porn" exactly before autocorrect just assumes that's what you mean when you enter "P-O-R" into your phone?
Me: Well...
Coworker: Because for me it would automatically correct that to be "PORK", not "PORN"...
Me: Well, I guess that's what we would call a difference in priorities...


Then there was this time...
 
I just can't win.
 
Fucking autocorrect.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Wordy Wednesdays: Wednesdays....WORD.

New blog feature! 

Need a minute to recover from the excitement? 

Ok.








Ready?

Great.

Occasionally I will post a new word I learned.

I will post this on a WEDNESDAY because alliterations are awesome and I'm desperate for any kind of gimmick that will make people want to read my blog....

Wednesdays Word is: DENTAL DAM.

I learned this new word at work (of course), via my favorite cubby mate-we share a row which totally makes us, like, total BFF's y'all...especially because I'm socially awkward and making actual BFF's is damn near impossible when you're afraid of, like, all people....

Your word, my friends is: DENTAL DAM.

Imma give you a minute to look it up...I recommend you Google it, but be careful to ensure that you click on "images" before hitting the "google search" button. 

Trust me.

I know of this which I speak.

Go ahead.  I'll wait....

Sorry, I couldn't wait....OMG LOOK:


I just...

There's no telling, y'all...the internet is just not a safe place. 

And then there's this...

 
I don't even want to know what's going on here...
 
Lest you googled "dental dam" for the purposes of aversion therapy there's this image that should make your vagina recoil:


I also found this:


Sorry, my friend, it's not your FINGERS that are supposed to trigger your gag...unless this is how you pre-game? Also, good job with the sunglasses though...no one will EVER recognize you that way...Genius.

But for God's sake, don't SWALLOW...
 
 
 
Even the Pope himself is a fan....
 
 
 
Oh Google....you so crazy. 
 
Lest you think I'm anti-dental dam...

 
 
Ok, I'm SORRY but if that doesn't make you want to go out and shove someone's dick in your mouth then-ugh, I CANNOT HELP YOU and this whole blog is a giant WASTE OF MY TIME.
 


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

My birthday happened, again. 

Someone is OVERWHELMED.

 

I asked for two things for my special day: a cake & some tequila sangria. 

This was my cake (note the fingerprints).


I wonder which SOMEONE helped themselves?

 


It's a mystery.

But WHO CARES because I found this giant vat of tequila sangria in my sisters fridge....

I said, "Oh shit!  Who else is coming?"

She replied, "No one...that's for you."

*sigh*

My sister...she really gets me.

I did NOT let my 2 year old niece have any...I SWEAR.



As usual, my little town threw a parade in my honor.

OH, town...you shouldn't have.



You especially shouldn't have this...

 



Um...What IS this anyways?





Is that Roy Orbison?

NO matter.  I'm too drunk to care anyways...

Friday, June 27, 2014

Conversations: My Niece

This is a conversation I had with my niece, whom I shall call "Niece" and who is 4 and half.

For 4.5 years I have been telling her that the 4th of July parade we go to each year is thrown for ME, in MY honor, to celebrate MY birthday. 

This year for the first time, that lie has backfired. 

More proof that getting old SUCKS ASS.

Me: You know what’s happening in two weeks?

Niece: Christmas!

Me: What?  No dude, it’s June. 

Niece: Ice cream!

Me: No, better.

Niece: *blank stare*

Me: My birthday!

Niece: Again?

Me: What do you mean again?

Niece: Aren’t you old enough yet?

Me: I deeply resent that but it’s ok, you can make it up to me by getting me something awesome for my birthday.

Niece: I know!  For your birthday, I will get you three packages that you can mail to me!

Me: What?  How does that even work?

Niece: I don’t know, but you could just do it ok?

Me: Whatever. That’s lame.  It’s my birthday, I’m supposed to get the packages, not you.

Niece: Well, you get the parade.

Me: Dammit.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Man Eating Vaginas, Magical Penises & Cat Murderers: NSFW

In case you live in a cave or are blind you missed the most awesome vagina story EVER this week.

Some moron an American exchange student got trapped in a giant vagina whilst touring Germany.

Need a visual?

ALLOW ME....


What's that, you say?

Hard to tell that this otherwise unassuming young man is trapped in a giant vagina sculpture? 

ALLOW ME....

The offending vagina:


Confused?

So was he.  Apparently.  Which is why he though he could crawl all up in there and find the Holy Land.

So am I, frankly.

I mean, what the hell kind of vagina is that?

Does YOUR vagina look like that?

ME NEITHER.

Has the artist who created this sculpture ever actually SEEN a human female vagina?

*sigh* I DIGRESS.

The REAL story here is what happened after I became obsessed with vaginas over the weekend.

Frankly, this whole "GIANT VAGINA TRAPS MAN!!!!" sensation that swept the internet TOTALLY kept me from doing any real work whatsoever.

Damn those giant man trapping vaginas.

(FYI: the whole purpose of this particular blog entry is to use the word "VAGINA" as much as is possible in one blog post...YOU'RE WELCOME)

So, naturally, I spent an inordinate amount of time this week googling vaginas.

Didn't you?

You would be surprised at how many people have done strange things to their nether regions and then taken pictures of them which they posted on the internets.

Or, maybe you wouldn't--WHO AM I TO JUDGE.

Either way, I strongly suggest you take moment to google, "GIANT MAN TRAPPING VAGINA"

I found the following...


I know.

I hardly know where to begin. 

Let's begin with magical penises, shall we?  THIS picture is of Huang Jianjun, of Guangzhou Guangdong Province, China *insert boring picture here*:



He apparently has a very special penis which traps ghosts. Or at least so he said to a woman who withheld her nether regions on account of how they are haunted.  

Haunted vagina INDEED...Clever gal.

Here's a picture of a man posing with dead "pussy's" for no real reason except that when you google "giant man eating vagina" you risk getting pictures of cats as a metaphor for vaginas....and sadist cat murderers, apparently. 


 I could go on for DAYS people.

DAYS.

*sigh*

God Bless the internet.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Pee Problems.

Took my sister's youngest to the water park recently. 

The day began with my sister dropping her two youngest off on my porch with a few bags full of swim stuff hollering behind her as she bolted like the devil for her car walked calmly back to her vehicle, "Have fun!"

After feeding them both lunch, I went to put the swimsuit on the 2 year old when it occurred to me that she wears diapers.

Having spilled many a beer on my own lap I am familiar at this point with the laws of absorption, therefore I knew I couldn't put her swimsuit OVER her diaper, but I figured there must be some genius somewhere who'd created a solution.

Sure enough.

Enter: the Swim Diaper.

A diaper with apparently SUPER diaper powers.

To absorb PEE.

Buuuut....my sister didn't have one of those. 

Don't worry, she said when I called her--swim bottoms in one hand, wriggling half naked baby in the other--to ask, "WHERE ARE THE SWIM DIAPERS?!"

"Oh," she says.  "You can buy them at the park for $3."

WTF.

I am not buying a glorified wad of cotton to shove in between a toddlers legs so as to absorb PEE at a WATER PARK for $3.

That's highway robbery y'all.

We're going to a WATER park...where she'll be in a POOL OF WATER*.

So I put the swim bottoms on sans ANYTHING and extracted a promise from her to NOT pee in my car EN ROUTE to the waterpark.

I know. 

Sometimes I also like to hold scissors and run at the same time too.

I'm kind of a rebel like that.

 None the less, there I was at the water park with said child tolerating the squealing enjoying the day when I hear....

"I go pee."

I turn around, "What?"

She repeats, "I go pee," this time pointing helpfully at the puddle by her feet.

"I go pee," she says helpfully pointing.


*OH SHUT UP.  I know y'all done peed in the shower/bath/pool/waterpark before do don't go JUDGING me JudgyMcJudgerstons.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Sugar Lips

Turns out I can't even be trusted to babysit Guinea Pigs. 

Five minutes in my care and I've got Sugar all tramped up like a total harlot.
 


 In my defense, bold lips are totally in this summer....