Texy Tuesdays: Awkward Autocorrect Fails

Yeah, I said Autocorrect fails in the plural sense--as in more than one fail.

I'm sure you're SO surprised that lil ole me has used inappropriate words so much that autocorrect now makes really EMBARRASSING corrections that I don't notice until after I hit "SEND"

SURPRISE.

Seriously though, WTF autocorrect?

WHY ARE YOU SUCH A BITCH?

I feel like autocorrect is like that really hot side piece that you don't want your main piece to know about only it can't keep it's damn mouth shut about anything so it keeps ratting you out to your friends and before you know it EVERYONE knows all your business. 

I know y'all know what that's like you sluts you.

Recently my coworkers & I scheduled a Dim Sum lunch date. 

I was particularly looking forward to the pork buns. 

So much so that I skipped breakfast, AND my mid-morning snack AND my mid-mid-morning snack so that I could save room for the pork buns.

As the agreed upon time approached one coworker was missing in action.

Eager to indulge my love of pork buns I was approaching the state of HANGRY.

Hangry=when you get so hungry your blood sugar drops & you become simultaneously hungry AND angry.

Hungry + Angry=HANGRY

So I texted her to see WHAT THE FUCK IS TAKING SO LONG.

Said coworker arrived shortly thereafter...

Me: OMG, sorry dude.

Coworker: How many times do you have to use the word "porn" exactly before autocorrect just assumes that's what you mean when you enter "P-O-R" into your phone?

Me: Well...

Coworker: Because for me it would automatically correct that to be "PORK", not "PORN"...

Me: Well, I guess that's what we would call a difference in priorities...

Then there was this time...

 

I just can't win.

 

Fucking autocorrect.

Wordy Wednesdays: Wednesdays....WORD.

New blog feature! 

Need a minute to recover from the excitement? 

Ok.








Ready?

Great.

Occasionally I will post a new word I learned.

I will post this on a WEDNESDAY because alliterations are awesome and I'm desperate for any kind of gimmick that will make people want to read my blog....

Wednesdays Word is: DENTAL DAM.

I learned this new word at work (of course), via my favorite cubby mate-we share a row which totally makes us, like, total BFF's y'all...especially because I'm socially awkward and making actual BFF's is damn near impossible when you're afraid of, like, all people....

Your word, my friends is: DENTAL DAM.

Imma give you a minute to look it up...I recommend you Google it, but be careful to ensure that you click on "images" before hitting the "google search" button. 

Trust me.

I know of this which I speak.

Go ahead.  I'll wait....

Sorry, I couldn't wait....OMG LOOK:

I just...

There's no telling, y'all...the internet is just not a safe place. 

And then there's this...

 

I don't even want to know what's going on here...

 

Lest you googled "dental dam" for the purposes of aversion therapy there's this image that should make your vagina recoil:

I also found this:

Sorry, my friend, it's not your FINGERS that are supposed to trigger your gag...unless this is how you pre-game? Also, good job with the sunglasses though...no one will EVER recognize you that way...Genius.

But for God's sake, don't SWALLOW...

 

 

 

Even the Pope himself is a fan....

 

 

 

Oh Google....you so crazy. 

 

Lest you think I'm anti-dental dam...

 

 

Ok, I'm SORRY but if that doesn't make you want to go out and shove someone's dick in your mouth then-ugh, I CANNOT HELP YOU and this whole blog is a giant WASTE OF MY TIME.

 



HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

My birthday happened, again. 

Someone is OVERWHELMED.

 

I asked for two things for my special day: a cake & some tequila sangria. 

This was my cake (note the fingerprints).

I wonder which SOMEONE helped themselves?

 

It's a mystery.

But WHO CARES because I found this giant vat of tequila sangria in my sisters fridge....

I said, "Oh shit!  Who else is coming?"

She replied, "No one...that's for you."

*sigh*

My sister...she really gets me.

I did NOT let my 2 year old niece have any...I SWEAR.

As usual, my little town threw a parade in my honor.

OH, town...you shouldn't have.

You especially shouldn't have this...

 

Um...What IS this anyways?

Is that Roy Orbison?

NO matter.  I'm too drunk to care anyways...