Camping Hero-ism

Camping 2013 has begun peeps.  Woo Hah.

Excuse my enthusiasm.  You may remember Camping 2012?

 

This year we began at Yosemite.  And. It. Was. Awesomeness.

 

Except for this...

 

  

And this...

The above totally happened while I was rescuing an abandoned, starving, impoverished, infant baby squirrel from the mighty Merced river at the cusp of Nevada Falls ...as he/she (hard to tell with infant baby squirrels) was about to plunge to his/her death…

OR while I was walking on a PAVED, FLAT trail and totally bit it hard for no real discernible reason except to prove that gravity exists...You are WELCOME gravity.

I just totally validated your entire existence.  Single. Handedly.

Booom.

I am clearly in charge here.
 

Dadisms: Sex & STDs

The following conversation just happened.  Unfortunately. 

My parents are going out of town and *apparently* want to make good and sure that I know there is to be no S-E-X in this house whilst they are gone.  One minute my dad and I are innocently debating whether or not I have a secret boyfriend I am hiding from him (I do not-for the record, but if I DID I would DEFINATELY hide said boyfriend from my Dad for so many different reasons), the next minute we're in totally uncharted territory.

Dad: You know the trouble with crabs, don't you?

Me: Wait, what?

Dad: Crabs.

Me: Please tell me you're referring to the shell fish.

Dad: They say the worst part about crabs is that when you're in the shower they climb up your butt to avoid the water and then track sh*t all over you when they come back out.

Me:  (no response)

Dad: It's true.

Me: Good to know. 

Dad: I learned that in Okinawa.

Me:  (no response)

Dad: I was in the Army.

Me: (no response)

Dad: The guys there always had crabs. 

Me: Hmmm...You don't say?

Dad: Oh yeah.   It was rampant.

Me: You know the NFL draft starts tomorrow.

Dad: (no response)

Me:  I don't know about you but I'm pretty excited about it.

Dad:  (no response)

Shit and Dammit.

I am in trouble.

Apparently, my adorable 4 year old niece is using "bad words" at preschool and it is all MY fault (of course).

Frankly, I think the whole thing is ridiculous.

I mean "shit" I get.  "Shit" is, I think, universally understood to be a bad word.  You should never use that word and I am sincerely sorry for teaching it to her.  (although, in my defense,  I am not the ONLY person using that word around here...but WHATEVS) 

But 'dammit'...really?  When did "dammit" become a bad word? 

Clearly preschool teachers are a WEE bit uptight these days.  Particularly when the aforementioned 4 year old's use of "dammit" seems situationally appropriate. 

EXAMPLES:
She gets frustrated when a toy isn't working right and so she says "Oh, Dammit. This isn't working right!"

Totally understandable.

A fellow 4 year old is not cooperating at nap time and she says, "Oh Dammit Preston, why don't you sleep already?"

Also very appropriate, I think. I mean, why the hell ISN'T Preston sleeping already?  It's NAP time-universally acknowledged to be the time in which you nap or at least fake-nap.

Preston is clearly a moron, and what is the word "dammit" for if not to express frustration over the inadequacies of others?!

Why this is all MY fault is a mystery to me.
  
 

Texty Tuesdays: Prude

Welcome to Texy Tuesdays!  Posts in which I copy onto this here blog actual, REAL text conversations that occurred between myself and my sister, Meg...These conversations are real-despite what you may think after reading them such as, "what?!  THAT didn't happen...and even if it did, there's no way anyone in their RIGHT MIND would post that on the internets for the whole world to read." (that was you talking to yourself in my head)

Well rest assured, dear reader (reader, not READERS because there's only ONE of you that I know of) I am actually not IN my right mind for most of the time.  So there.

Text to my oft maligned procreating Catholic sister...whom i referred to as a "prude" in a recent post.

Me: blog update has landed.

Meg: (no response)

Me: Warning.  I called you a prude in my post.

Meg: (no response)

Me:  In a LOVING way.

Meg:  (no response)

Me: Because you are.

Meg: (no response)

Me: I'm telling you this because you are the only person who actually reads said blog.

Meg: (no response)

Me: So...maybe you could go read it.   Even though I refer to your prudishness in a loving way.

Meg: (no response)

Me:

Dad-isms: Twits

I present to you: Dad-isms.  

Featuring; my Dad. 

My dad is super awesome. I love him to pieces.  He's a great dad.

The best thing about my dad is that he's always had a killer sense of humor.  Unfortunately, much like myself, he often doesn't mean to be PURPOSEFULLY funny and often finds others laughing at/with him hysterically, without realizing that he's just said something funny.

As he's gotten up in age, my poor dad's "sense of humor" has become funnier whilst also less and less purposeful...which is the nice way of saying that the more SENILE he's become, the FUNNIER he's become. 

He often says things in total seriousness, that leave the rest of us rolling on the floor in laughter and/or leave us scratching our heads trying to figure out what the FUCK he's talking about. 

Either way, hilarity results. 

Lucky for me and this blog.

And while I am slightly concerned over his mental state, I vow HERE AND NOW not to let said concern stop me from sharing his hilarious-ness on this here blog (that no one reads). 

This is my promise to you.

You are welcome. 

So I present to you, the first ever DAD-ISMS.  Round ONE. 

My dad just asked me if i got his "twit".

Ah well, i guess learning to SEND the text is more important than what you actually CALL said text.  At least he didnt use a different vowel in there...THAT would've been awkward.

North Korea, Crabs & Kim Kardashian

So tonight at family dinner I managed to introduce my neices/nephews to a few previously undiscussed topics; Slutty-ness, Infidelity, and STD's (crabs, specifically). 

Jesus.

Does my sister even TALK at all to these children?

In my defense, if Kim Kardashian weren't on the cover of the tabloids this week all unfortunate-looking and still-wedded-to-the-man-who-is-not-her-baby-daddy pregnant-like, the latter two subjects would never have come up.

Soooo, OBVIOUSLY, this is ALL Kim Kardashian's fault.

Incidentally, I also blame North Korea's nuclear proliferation on Kim Kardashian. 

I mean, she's clearly a liability in general for all self-respecting humans...amiright?