Upper Holes...your best guess.

The following may make NO sense to you whatsoever.

Rest assured, it makes no sense to me either, and I was THERE, soooo....clearly YOU have a problem.

No.  Just kidding.

Not really. 

Aaaanyways....here's the scenario:

If a 7 year old child came to you and advised that you should use the term "upper hole" (whilst you were drinking gin at your sisters house and therefore couldn't really remember what you had said just immediately prior to this declaration)....what would you think he meant?

YES!  Me too. 

And then my sister was all, like, "um NO...weirdo.  That's NOT what that means."

Which, naturally, prompted me to ask said 7 year old what exactly did they mean by  "upper hole"...which prompted renewed protests from my sister (who is a GIANT prude ).

See, I had assumed they meant "mouth" or, perhaps "ears"-as the ears are parallel to the mouth and I was interpreting "upper" in the most literal sense of the word.

Turns out the kid meant butthole. (which FYI is actually the LOWER most hole, but what the f*ck do I know I've only been sticking things in my holes for, like, 20 more years than this dumb kid...LOSER)

BUTThole. 

Turns out the kid meant BUTThole.

Which made me wonder that the f*ck I said to prompt this dialogue to begin with I immediately pointed out is NOT the upper most orifice on his person at which point I proceeded to name all of the orifices on said child's person beginning with the nethermost hole.

My prudish sister objected immediately.

Well, says I...what else would you like me to call it, a "wee wee"?

Meg: I don't want you calling it ANYTHING.

Me: just out of curiosity, does he know that he has two OUT holes down there?  I mean, provided he's not-

Meg: NO.

Me: I'm just saying that while most people consider those both an OUT only, there are some-

Meg: NO.

I swear.  Sometimes I think my sister was put on Earth to spoil all my fun.