WTF Wednesdays: Cutting the Cheese

I held off writing this post for a while because I didn't want people to think I was racist.  Or culturally incompetent.  Or predjudice.  Or a moron.  Or whatever. 

Aaaaannd then I was all like, DUH. 

WHO GIVES A SHIT? 

No one reads this stupid blog anyways.

So *hashtag* whatevs. 

Here's my (first of many, most likely) potentially racist, incompetent, prejudice blog post.

YOU ARE WELCOME.

First of all, does everyone know what "cutting the cheese" means?

It means you've just farted. 

Are we clear?  Good.   Moving on.

Anyone else go to the gym on a regular basis?

Raise your hand....

Aaaand how many of you, who go to the gym regularly, also bathe regularly?

And use DEODORANT?

What?  I can't hear you...Oh, EVERYONE you say? 

No f*cking SHIT. 

Guess that makes you a normal, regular, considerate, and-DARE I SAY-reasonable human being. 

That makes you like most other normal, regular, considerate, reasonable human beings who share the Earth.

Unless, except, apparently, OF COURSE, all of those of you who use MY local gym.

My neighbors apparently have neither access to reason, consideration, running water, deodorant, nor FUCKING FEBREEZE*

* there is a grocery store ~76 steps from said gym that I know for a fact sells Febreeze...but I digress...

Or they're just assholes*

*probably the most likely explanation given the aforementioned availability of said Febreeze for purchase....

It's up for debate*

*not really, I'm just saying that so as not to appear like a TOTAL racist.

Let me be clear.  I don't mean that my neighbors smell just a little bit. 

NO.

I mean that they smell so bad that it makes me want to scream at the very tippy top of my wee little high pitched girly lungs....

What-In-The-Name-Of-ALL-THAT-IS-HOLY-Did-You-Roll-In-

And-When-EXACTLY-Did-It-DIE?!?!?!?!?!?

No joke.

Almost every day I am on the treadmill/elliptical/stairmaster/etc. thinking to myself..."WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EAT, and WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU BATHED IN THE LAST YEAR?"

To be fair, I live in an area of town nicknamed "Little Kabul" for it's large Afghani population.

So there's a cultural difference of opinion, I suspect.

Which I respect*.

*not really, because WTF? why can't you just buy a bottle of Febreeze and spritz yourself?!?!

I feel especially grateful for this cultural discrepancy when I am hungry-which is 75% of the time.

I loooove Afghani food.  LOVE it.

Being as white as one could possibly be when it comes to food (salt was considered a "spice" in my home growing up), I really appreciate any so-called "ethnic" food (meaning everything other than meatloaf and potatoes).

The flip side of this coin is that I feel particularly UNgrateful when I am at the gym working out-which is five afternoons a week.

Just for your reference, I am NOT cool with ODORS in general.

I have a very delicate olefactory system.  See here for evidence.

If you stink, I WILL smell you. 

I don't know why my neighbors smell the way they do.  I don't know if it's the food, the culture, the religion...I don't really care why you smell.

The fact of the matter is that you smell like you rolled in a rotting animal carcass for a bit whilst consuming an abnormally large quantity of garlic AFTER having abstained from bathing with SOAP for the last decade.

You smell SO horrible that I feel FAINT.

And I feel resentful because I PAY actual CASH MONEY to come here and work out which makes me feel entitled to a relatively UNscented environment when I work out.

Maybe, for $45/mo I expect it to smell like EFFING flowers in there Goddammit.  Especially when I know for a *hashtag* FACT that Febreeze was on sale for $2.75 at the store around the corner last week....

Also I'm a SOCIAL WORKER so I make exactly $0.0001 more than your average Taco Bell drive through operator.

Except that I owe ~$45K for my fucking useless MASTERS DEGREE.

Soooooo...bottom line neighbors, if you want to stank up your own home, FINE. 

But when you come to the gym to work out right next to OTHER HUMANS with functioning olefactory glands, your ass better have bathed in the last 24 hours, and/or be wearing deodorant, and/or have spritzed yourself with an anti-malodorous perfumed body spray and/or Febreeze (which is ON SALE right around the corner for less than THREE EFFING DOLLARS) and/or any OTHER spray that is designed to mask the odor of garlic coated decomposing flesh prior to your arrival at the gym.

Which brings me to my main point. 

IF the person next to you on the stepper at the gym smells as though they rolled in dead animal, ate superhuman quantities of garlic and haven't showered in a decade, I do not think it's unreasonable to deliberately "cut the cheese" before moving to a different machine.

BOOM smelly bitches. 

You just got schooled. 

W.T.F.