Fornicating Can Be Fun...You Should Try It

The other day I came across this...



I don't know what this says about me exactly, but my first thought was,

Oh sh*t, fornicating counts?!

&^%$#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And then my cerebral cortex kicked in, and I thought...wait, does that apply to regular sex or is it only freaky sex that I have to confess to?"

I starting thinking STRATEGICALLY.

I was all like, hmmm....I wont  tell Jesus about that time in the back of my then-boyfriends patrol car because that probably doesn't count, but I will  tell him about that time on the roof of my Catholic School dormitory because even though that wasn't "freaky"-per se...I'm preeeeetttty sure I could go to hell for that anyways based on the whole sex-on-the-roof-of-my-catholic-school THING....although, in fairness, neither of us were Catholic at the time.

Then I decided, WHOA girl.  Before you plan out your confession, you should probably figure out exactly what you need to confess to.  No reason getting Mr. Jesus all upset for no good reason, right?

I mean, the man has A LOT on his plate what with the whole theory of evolution appearing to be a wash and all...

So I googled, "fornicate" and I learned useful knowledge.

Unfortunate knowledge for my everlasting soul, but useful knowledge none the less, which I shall now pass on to you, dear non-existent reader.

You Are Welcome.

So FYI: According to Merriam-Webster (the guy who invented ALL words ever, although unfortunate for him that his parents named him "Merriam"--LAME)...ALL sex counts if you're NOT married to the person.  Mr. Webster was not specific regarding actual individual acts themselves.  Such as, is it ok to give your boyfriend a blow job in the back of his patrol car if you're not married?  Surely a simple blow job is harmless, right?

To muddy the waters further, according to Wikipedia fornication only refers to sex with leaves. 

I quote: "'Fornicated' as an adjective is still used in botany, meaning "arched" or "bending over" (as in a leaf).

I'm not even going to ASK how you have sex with a leaf.   That's just weird and frankly maybe you should be confessing to Jesus about that, weirdos.

For those of you who are beginning to sweat a little, STOP FUCKING LEAVES you weirdos.

No, just kidding.. 

Seriously, for those of you regular humans who are fucking other humans and who are beginning to sweat a little...keep sweating.  We're all in trouble, unless you're British...see below.

According to Urban Dictionary "fornicate" could mean THREE different things:

1) Upper class fuckery, or more especially, a word designed to roll off the tongues of royalty, such as...."My dear Queen, whist the blacksmith fucks the maid, shall we retire to the royal fornication chamber?"  OMG, who doesn't want to say that sentence.  I'm totally gonna use 'fornication chamber' in a sentence this week.  Frankly, you could say "The brussel sprouts you bought a week ago are molding in the crisper" in a British accent and it would sound more awesome and mysterious and sophisticated, as does everything when you fake a British accent.  FACT.  (But, more seriously, if you are ONLY using the word fornicate whilst mimicking a British accent, congratulations.  You are in the clear with Jesus.)

 

OR

 

2) To have sex, but before marriage.  If you are married, then it's just plain sex.  If you are married, see "fuck".  So, sex before marriage no matter how kinky or non-kinky qualifies.  Basically, if you're doin' it at all, you need to conversate with Jesus.

OR

3) When you bone the bejesus out of someone, such as..."Me and your old lady fornicated all night long while you were at work. See # 2.  You're totally goin' to Hell. 

Basically, I'm screwed-no pun intended-and probably so are you (unless you're British).

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling a little defeated.

There has to be some out, right?

I mean, I'm no Bible expert, but that damn thing is thicker than my Anatomy & Physiology textbook from undergrad.  I think, clearly, there must be something in there that reads along the lines of, "hey sex burns tons of calories and feels great!!!  You should totally do it but  make sure you don't catch diseases because those are GROSS"

Amiright?

Anyway, it's a moot point because I sped up to get around this asshole and discovered that he was totally  fugly (that's ugly to the degree that the term 'ugly' is no longer sufficient and I had to MAKE UP a new word to quantify your ugliness), so clearly he's not currently fornicating in any capacity and probably never has.

And that's when my "A HA!" moment occurred.

I realized that this van is not merely a display of bigotry and hate coming from a middle-aged, uneducated, poorly traveled, culturally incompetent, hermit who still breastfeeds.

No.

Well, yes, actually...that's probably all true, but ALSO...and perhaps most relevant to this blog post,

THIS VAN IS A CRY FOR HELP. 

Because, let's be real...for whom is it probably MORE difficult to GET laid than for a virginal, uneducated, culturally incompetent, moronic, breast-feeding, middle-aged, bigot?

NO ONE.

So really, we should be praying for HIM.

*insert crickets*

Ok, fine.  I'll start....

Dear Baby Jesus,

Like, totally GOOD LUCK on getting that asshole laid.

Amen