WTF Wednesdays: 1984

Dear Lady In Front Of Me At The Grocery Store,

All I want is two bananas and a box 'o wine.  Hurry your fat, old, a** up with your check-writing self.

YOU ARE IN MY WAY.

WTF.

Thanks.

p.s. 1984 called, they want their checkbook back.  W.T.F.

Dadisms: Prostitution

It's a Friday evening and I'm headed to my sister's for dinner, leaving my Dad alone for the evening.  Being a good daughter, I endeavor to ensure that he has food and all of his basic needs are met before I leave the house.

Big mistake.

Me: Ok Dad, I'm going to Meg's now.
Dad: Now?
Me: Yes.
Dad: You mean I'll be here all by myself?
Me: Yea, so don't go getting yourself into any trouble now.
Dad: So I guess this means I can't call any of my girlfriends to come over?
Me: (no response)
Dad: You know, it's their busy weekend and they charge extra-
Me: Why'd you have to take it there Dad?
Dad: *giggling*
Me: Here we are having a perfectly "G" rated conversation...
Dad: *giggling harder* How will I entertain myself?
Me: I'm leaving now.

I Will Spray U With Perfume Against Your Will

Have you ever sniffed a homeless person?  They smell horrible.

Sorry for the sweeping generalization, but, generally speaking, homeless people are malodorous.

No offense, homeless people. 

I find they smell like a cross between really bad B.O., mildew, a raging yeast infection and decomposing flesh.

Have you ever smelled decomposing flesh?  I have.  Many times.  I have also encountered people who had raging yeast infections.  They smelled pretty horrible too.

NO, I don't go around sniffing dead people and vaginas you WEIRDO.

Because that would be gross.

DUH.

I used to work on an ambulance in an urban setting and in that capacity I occasionally encountered decomposing corpses and prostitutes who took very poor care of their nether-regions. 

Decomposing flesh is an odor you will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, forget once sniffed.  It's part flowers, part rotting fruit, part piece-of-juicy-fruit-gum, part oh-holy-shit-what-the-fuck-is-that-smell.  Once your limbic system encounters that particular olfactory stimuli a part of it DIES. 

FACT.

Same is true in prostitutes with raging yeast infections.  Once smelled you shall NEVER forget.

TRUTH.

I'm actually unsure of what smell is worse--a dead body or a prostitute with a raging yeast infection.  Rest assured, I have NO desire to really learn to differentiate between the two and am pretty sure that BOTH are equally disgusting smelling. 

But I digress.

Today at The Job, one of my clients showed up smelling EXACTLY like a homeless person with a raging yeast infection.  And I don't work with homeless people.  This was a regular, housed person so I have no explanation as to how she came to be smelling the way she did (although, frankly...I do have some guesses). 

Here's what happened next (no joke):

Me (to client): You're especially stinky today.
Client: Oh, yeah. I know. someone already told me.
Me: can I spray you with this perfume I have?
Client: what?
Me: i'm not sure I can continue the meeting under these conditions...
Client: ummm...
Me: (pulling perfume out & uncapping) I'm just going to spritz you real quick like...ok?
Client: ok
Me: (spraying client w/ perfume) Thanks.
Client: sure

So let this be a lesson to all smelly people who come across my path: If you STINK, I will pull a perfumed body spray out of SOMEWHERE and spray you with it.

The End.

Texty Tuesdays: Beets

Welcome to Texy Tuesdays!  Posts in which I copy onto this here blog actual, REAL text conversations that occurred between myself and my sister, Meg...These conversations are real-despite what you may think after reading them such as, "what?!  THAT didn't happen...and even if it did, there's no way anyone in their RIGHT MIND would post that on the internets for the whole world to read." (that was you talking to yourself in my head)

Well rest assured, I am actually not IN my right mind for most of the time.  So there.

The following text exchange between me & my sister actually occurred....and, no, I am not proud of myself.  FYI


Me: Have had horrible week at work. Feel like I've been in either my boss' office, the director's office or HR's office ALL week. Had nightmares last night until I gave up on sleep altogether & have been awake since midnight then I pooped red & freaked out for like an hour afterward, convinced I was bleeding internally until i remembered I had beets for lunch and that's probably what they look like coming out the other end and the dog had diarrhea on my bed and I just squirted perfume in my eye. FML.

Meg: My father in law is in the ICU.  Blocked arteries, needs bypass.  But one leg is too bad to work on now, other leg has plastic stint and is large. Diabetic doesn't take plastic well. Not any good options for that leg. He will be let go in an hour or so. Heart is good. May lose a leg tho

Me: Oh.

Meg: (no response)

Me: Well...I at least will come out of this with both my legs.

Meg: Beets huh?

Me: Welp I just had normal colored diarrhea so i am not bleeding internally. Dinner later?