I Will Spray U With Perfume Against Your Will

Have you ever sniffed a homeless person?  They smell horrible.

Sorry for the sweeping generalization, but, generally speaking, homeless people are malodorous.

No offense, homeless people. 

I find they smell like a cross between really bad B.O., mildew, a raging yeast infection and decomposing flesh.

Have you ever smelled decomposing flesh?  I have.  Many times.  I have also encountered people who had raging yeast infections.  They smelled pretty horrible too.

NO, I don't go around sniffing dead people and vaginas you WEIRDO.

Because that would be gross.

DUH.

I used to work on an ambulance in an urban setting and in that capacity I occasionally encountered decomposing corpses and prostitutes who took very poor care of their nether-regions. 

Decomposing flesh is an odor you will never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, forget once sniffed.  It's part flowers, part rotting fruit, part piece-of-juicy-fruit-gum, part oh-holy-shit-what-the-fuck-is-that-smell.  Once your limbic system encounters that particular olfactory stimuli a part of it DIES. 

FACT.

Same is true in prostitutes with raging yeast infections.  Once smelled you shall NEVER forget.

TRUTH.

I'm actually unsure of what smell is worse--a dead body or a prostitute with a raging yeast infection.  Rest assured, I have NO desire to really learn to differentiate between the two and am pretty sure that BOTH are equally disgusting smelling. 

But I digress.

Today at The Job, one of my clients showed up smelling EXACTLY like a homeless person with a raging yeast infection.  And I don't work with homeless people.  This was a regular, housed person so I have no explanation as to how she came to be smelling the way she did (although, frankly...I do have some guesses). 

Here's what happened next (no joke):

Me (to client): You're especially stinky today.
Client: Oh, yeah. I know. someone already told me.
Me: can I spray you with this perfume I have?
Client: what?
Me: i'm not sure I can continue the meeting under these conditions...
Client: ummm...
Me: (pulling perfume out & uncapping) I'm just going to spritz you real quick like...ok?
Client: ok
Me: (spraying client w/ perfume) Thanks.
Client: sure

So let this be a lesson to all smelly people who come across my path: If you STINK, I will pull a perfumed body spray out of SOMEWHERE and spray you with it.

The End.