Man Tutorial: How To Get Laid

I've decided that I should be doing more community service activities.  You know, as a way of giving back...because I'm all into philanthropy and all. 

I shall begin with the following VERY useful Man Tutorial for all of the needy men with no game out there, which I shall call: Man Tutorial.

In today's Man Tutorial, I will discuss how to get laid.

Are you ready for this awesomeness men?

Here are my tips:

Lesson #1: The following pick up lines will usually* NOT get you laid...so you should avoid these: (*when I say "usually" I mean FOR FREE)

"Heyyyyy YOU!"
"How much?"
"Yo."
"Hi"
"Whaaaat?!  Guuurrrrl, you got it going ON!"
"Can we fuck?"

So you should avoid all of the above.  Are we clear?  Good.  Moving on.

Lesson #2: Get a better job.

Always.  I don't care what your job is, you should get a better one, right now.

Lesson #3: Put appropriately sized tires on your car (unless your car is an oversized, giant pick up truck in which case skip to Lesson #6)

Really men?  When we see that you have GIANT tires, and/or a car that is 500 feet above its tires, our default assumption is that you have a very, very small penis.  And there are NO women on EARTH that are gonna want a peice of your infinetesimally small man parts.  NO THANK YOU. 

Lesson #4: There IS a dress code, and it does NOT include showing off your underwear

Pull your damn pants up.  As a woman, when I see a man walking around who has to use one hand to hold his pants up, I immediately assume he is a moron.  And I don't know any self respecting women who want to DELIBERATELY have sex with a known moron, so this exponentially decreases your chances of getting laid.   Just buy a damn belt already you moron.

Lesson #5: Do not advertise your teeny tiny penis.  This is a turn-off.

Occasions wherein you (perhaps inadvertantly?) advertise your small penis include but are not limited to:

wearing a toupe
dying your hair
any and all comb-overs and/or attempts at comb-overs
putting lifts on your car/truck (also see Lesson #6)
wearing giant gold jewelry
wearing any jewelry whatsoever

Lesson #6: Drive a regular vehicle.  Do NOT put your car/truck up on lifts
It doesn't matter WHAT kind of automobile you own-if said vehicle is up on lifts and/or the tires are so enormous that a step-stool is required to enter said vehicle, the default assumption of all females on Earth is one of the following:

1) you have lost all or part of your penis in some kind of horrific freak accident and are now penis-less
2) you are missing one or both of your testicles
3) you have never, ever been laid ever
4) you have an itty bitty penis. 

Either way, none of the above will get you laid.  Also, all of the above assumptions are multiplied times 100 if said "automobile" is a giant truck...

That is all men.  You.  Are.  Welcome.