Letters to Inanimate Objects: Attention Stapler

Dear Work Stapler,

I’m afraid there has been some kind of miscommunication.  It’s not your fault, I TOTALLY GET IT. 

I mean, people put stuff in front of you and you eat it.

It happens to the best of us. 

Frankly, for the first two years of my life I thought I was here for the exclusive purpose of eating my own hand. 

But I was WRONG.

In fairness, you are (after all) a government funded resource, so perhaps you’ve not been privy to the very latest in stapler technology?  In fact, if my work computer is any indication, your origins are circa 1969?  So, allow me to be the bearer of new information. 

First off, as I learned the hard way in 1984, people will only put ketchup on things you are SUPPOSED to eat and NOT on those things which do not belong in your mouth. 

Have you tasted any ketchup on the things I have put in front of you? 

Think carefully now…no?

That’s right. 

So in the future, when something is placed between your jaws, if it does NOT have ketchup on it, it is safe to assume you are not meant to EAT it. 

You are only meant to gently place a staple into it.

That’s all.

I’m glad we had this talk, aren’t you?

Thanks,

Your owner (or, at least, the current occupier of the cubicle in which you’ve been assigned)