You're welcome.
So Apple has released their most recent IOS upgrade
*insert magical rainbows and unicorns here*
We are all supposed to cheer and pledge our firstborn children to the cause....
Oh, did you miss the memo?
Your loss.
You see, I looked into the upgrade and I AM A BELIEVER.
No, no. I did NOT immediately look at the upgrades and wonder, OMGWHATTHEFUCKISHAPPENINGANDWHY?!
NO.
Because I am a loyal soldier.
Okay, I'm sorry. That's as far as I can take that. Do you want the truth?
HERE'S THE TRUTH IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION (in so much as I can sarcastically/passive-aggressively deliver it..)
Do any of the engineers who created the IOS7 actually use iPhones themselves?
ha ha, JUST KIDDING!
That was a rhetorical question.
Obviously the answer is NO.
Unless, that is, said engineers have teeny, tiny, miniature, magical MARSUPIAL fingers with which to effectively use the new keyboard...because otherwise why would they make something that's already hard to use EVEN F*CKING HARDER?! (also rhetorical...clearly they are malevolent evil-doers who've dedicated their lives to making it impossible for me to text rapidly)
In fairness, I do often text inappropriate things so perhaps I need something to make it slightly harder for me to text so as to allow my cerebral cortex to intervene...
Come to think of it, has anyone actually put any thought into WHO is behind "auto-correct"?
I say, it's BARBARA BUSH.
You know who I mean.
Not the cute "Barbara-Bush" that-got-the-Secret-Service-in-hot-water-for-her-drunken-antics-while-her-father-was-President-and-therefore-seems-like-she'd-be-a-blast-to-get-drunk-with-Barbara-Bush AND/OR the Barbara-who-looks-like-she-may-actually-have-given-a-human-male-a-blow-job-once-or-twice-in-her-life-BUSH.
NO.
NOT that Barbara Bush.
I mean to refer to the Barbara Bush who-is-OLD-and-somewhat-unfortunate-looking-who-despite-having-birthed-children-appears-as-though-she-is-someone-who-HAS-NEVER-ACTUALLY-SEEN-A-REAL-PENIS-because-she-kept-her-eyes-closed-real-tightly-during-sex (don't pretend like you don't have a visual image of the type of prude i'm referring to here)-and-who-seems-to-have-never-had-any-fun-in-her-life-ever-looking-sour-puss-who-is-married-to-the-FIRST-President Bush, Barbara Bush.
Are you following?
THE OLD BAG. I'm talking about the old bag.
What I was TRYING to say is that I suspect "auto-correct" is secretly run by the prudish version of Barbara Bush (the OLD one who was married to the FIRST Bush president) whom I suspect (going only based on her FACE here people) only saw a penis ON ACCIDENT and certainly never had one in her mouth.
That's just the impression I get.
EVIDENCE: I already had to turn off my auto correct because it kept changing "fuck" to things like "duck" and "luck"....when CLEARLY if auto-correct knew me at all it would realize that "fuck" is FAR more likely...
Fuck.
Now I've totally lost track of what was I talking about.
Nevermind.
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