The Weekend I Almost Killed My Dog...On Accident.

One day I came home from a day full of joyful uselessness to find my Shih Tzu, Penny, hopping on three legs.  Although her right front leg was tender to the touch and she wasn’t eager to put weight on it, there were no bones sticking out or blood evidence, so I figured she probably had sprained something whilst gallivanting around on the tops of dressers and countertops in her quest for human food.

I know for a FACT that she does, INDEED, gallavant on the tops of dressers and countertops because an ENTIRE loaf of pumpkin bread recently went missing.  I know I didn’t eat it and I know the kids didn’t eat (as they consider “pumpkin” a vegetable and thus sacrosanct) and, frankly, I have long since suspected Penny could get to ANYthing food related no matter its location so long as she believes there is, in FACT, food up there and  so long as she is ALSO under the impression that I will not be returning anytime soon to catch her in the act. 

So, I figured Penny was suffering the after effects of jumping OFF of the kitchen counter AFTER having consumed an entire loaf of delicious pumpkin flavored pastry—a suspicion I imagined would soon be confirmed by a trail of explosive diarrhea.

I wasn’t feeling too sorry for her.

However, because I am not a sadist  (What?  I know, it’s true Mom…DEAL), I gave Penny a quarter tablet of my deceased (R.I.P. Remmy) Shih Tzu’s arthritis pain medication. (Said deceased Shih Tzu died from NATURAL causes not MURDERous causes a full year prior…for some reason I feel that’s important to clarify here). 

I thought that this was the equivalent of giving Penny a dropper full of Baby Advil.  And, since I take about half a bottle of Advil daily, this seemed at the time to be relatively harmless.

By the time I went to bed around 11pm, she seemed better, except that as I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, she kept going up and down the doggy-stairs (that lead to my bed) and every time she’d get to the bottom step she’d let out a little cry.

Oh, my poor baby, I thought.  She’s in pain! 

I decided I would give Penny one of the sedative tablets the veterinarian had given me to render my other (currently ALIVE) Shih Tzu unconscious for the purposes of grooming so that said Groomer doesn’t find herself SANS a face after trying to clip my dog’s hair. 

I thought this would relax her and help her to go to sleep.  I mean, what’s a little Doggie Valium, right? 

Personally, I'd LOVE a regular dose of valium in the evening.  I'd like to have a Goddamn IV of the stuff.

Seriously. 

Really.  Why DON'T I have a personal attendant to administer a Valium to me on a regular basis already?   I would be immensely grateful. 

Anyhoo....after giving the doggie valium-or, what I assumed was a doggie valium (another important distinction because I'm not a goddamn pharmacist)-I went back to bed, confident my precious little Penny would fall blissfully into an altered state of consciousness that would last until I could get her to the vet the next morning so as to spend another $300 for them to tell me to make her rest and give her rest the pain pills I already have.  I should mention that in this last month alone I have spent >$300 on veterinarian bills on my other gimpy Shih Tzu only to have said professional tell me what I already knew (give her plenty of rest and no over-exertion) and suggest I give pills I already have (give her two pain pills per day as needed for limp).

So, voila, I think, One doggy valium and a good night's rest and she'll be good as new.

Really.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I mean, what the fuck do I know? I think it’s already been established that I am a virtual moron…so the following is clearly NOT my fault....

Shortly after administering said “doggy valium”, I noticed that the usual snorting noises Penny makes when attempting to breathe through her flattened palate were even more pronounced and she appeared to be wiggling abnormally.

Wiggly movement actually looked a lot like a seizure....

Turns out, the "baby advil" I thought I'd given her was acutally a narcotic painkiller (like morphine, which lowers blood pressure) on top of which I had combined valium (a benzodiazapine, like valium, also known to lower blood pressure as a side effect), the resulting combination of which was that I had lowered her blood pressure to such a degree that blood was no longer getting to her brain resulting in a seizure.

After a few hours in the doggy Emergency Room and some fluids, Penny was as good as new.

But clearly...this is a lesson in why I should NOT be entrusted with the care of other mammals....or cold blooded reptiles...or plants...or fine wood furniture...