I have PMS.

When I have PMS, it is NO JOKE. 

Who in their RIGHT MIND talks to me when I have PMS?  WHO?

People, apparently.  That's who.

NOT acceptable. 

You know how some women are turned off, or otherwise offended by people (mostly men) who do that thing they talk super carefully and tiptoe around you like they are handling a loaded weapon or are otherwise overbearingly fake nice when they think you have PMS?

I am not one of those women.

In fact, that is how I prefer ALL people talk to me all of the time FOREVER.

Talk to me like you think I'm holding a loaded weapon to your head.

ESPECIALLY when I have PMS.

So simple people.

I just would not mess with me when I have PMS. 

I would not mess with me or otherwise interact with me at all, for that matter.

AT ALL FOLKS.

I don't think this is so difficult to understand.

See, this is me regular:

Me: (explaining something very simple)
Other person: I don't get it.
Me: (re-explaining whilst apologetically using smaller words)
Other person: Um...
Me: Oh, AHAHAHAHA, Ok, well can I just do this for you then?
Other person: OK, YAY!!!!
Me: I'm SO HAPPY TO HELP YOU!

This is me on PMS:

Me: (explaining something very simple)
Other person: I don't get it.
Me: (re-explaining in more simple, simpler terms and also v  e  r  y     s   l  o  w  l  y)
Other person: Um....
Me: I don't understand why  you don't understand.
Other person: *blank stare*
Me: Ok, well, I would draw you a picture but I don't have any fucking crayons so I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU ANYMORE.
Other person: *blank stare*
Me: You should just give up your very existence and throw in the towel already, ok?
Other person: *blank stare*
Me: And also walk away before I cut you up into tiny pieces and eat you AAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Pagan Sex Talks

Easter conversation:
Me: (to my very Catholic 15 y/o neice) You know Easter is a pagan sex holiday, right?
Niece: What?
Me: Yeah. I read it on the internets so it must be true.
Niece: Ummm...
Me: *pulling up the internets on my iPhone* see.
Niece: Whoa.
Me: I know, right.

Poppin' Cherries...Catholic Style

Just a heads up y'all...

If you are at a 'Presentation Ball' with your Catholic sister for your Catholic niece's Catholic school and the priest asks who is a "first-time" attendee...

DO NOT raise your hand and yell

"Woo Hoo! Poppin' my cherry tonight!" really loudly.

You will embarrass the Catholics.

FYI.

Irrational Fears

Any day now I'll outgrow my irrational fear that there are giant hairy spiders hiding in the toilet bowl when I have to pee in the middle of the night…right?

That should come right after I stop worrying about the under the bed nonsense....

Any day now.