Public Service Announcement: Bad words

This is a Public Service Announcement.

The following is a list of words that I have learned the hard way one should NOT use in front of children.

I know this because when I used these words in front of children one of the following occurred:

1) I was immediately yelled at by a nearby adult.

ie: the time I used the words "firecrotch" and "ratchet" in front of my sister's children (turns out those words are not commonly used in pre-school-FYI)

OR

2) Said child asked questions regarding my use of the word in a sentence indicating that they had no idea what the word meant which resulted in my having to explain the word in more detail than I was comfortable which made me realize said word was WAY above said child's level and led to my regretting having used the word in the first place on account of how I had to scramble to explain the word in ways that resulted in more confusion.

ie: the time I scolded my 4 year old neice for scratching/grabbing her vagina OVER her fancy new dress. 

Me: don't grab your vagina with your dress!  You'll get vagina juice all over it!

Neice: What's vagina juice?

See?

Totally awkward. 

I ended up offering her candy and taking the dress off of her instead of explaining what vagina juice is.

Explaining vagina juice is not really a conversation I want to have with a 4 year old.

Here is a list of words that I have learned the hard way should probably NOT be used in front of children (YOU'RE WELCOME):

firecrotch
ratchet
hooker
cunnilingus
ass-hat
mother fucker
uncle fucker (not to be confused with mother fucker...two TOTALLY different things)
fuckbag
buttplug
transvestite
Oh, what base are you at? (to your 13 y/o nephew re: his announcement that he has his first "girlfriend"-HUGE NO NO)
sugar daddy
porn
transvestite
transsexual
man shaft

I could go on, but I think you get the picture....

Duck Crack

My sister got me hooked on Duck Dynasty like it's pure crack. 

So from now on I will be using "y'all" as much as possible, dropping consonants, referring to people as "sissy rednecks" and demanding all y'all refer to me as "Miss" to get me through the withdrawl periods in between A&E marathons. 

I apologize ahead of time to my family & friends....

Attention Earth: WARNING.

Attention Earth:

Though I have it based on no real authority, reason nor factual information whatsoever, I am pretty sure that these puppies:

are laced with PURE crack and are part of some kind of Obama-care/left-wing liberal agenda conspiracy theory that, once consumed, will secretly coerce you into a GAY marriage as well as lead you towards sympathy for other LIBERAL leaning agendas such as the proliferation of LIQUID nacho cheese at sporting events, universal admiration of The History Channel, and the acceptance of “Crocs” as appropriate footwear. 

May God have mercy on your soul.

Meme Monday

OMG PEEPS, IT'S A NEW POST THEME!!!!! 

Meme Monday's!!!!

HURRAY!!!!!   Are you excited?  Yeah, me neither.  But I will post funny meme's on Monday's none the less so you should at least get used to it....OK?
GREAT.

Here you go bitches:

Why I Should Not Care For Living Things

It turns out I only appear to be responsible. 

Or, you know, as responsible as a grown up person who lives in her childhood bedroom in her parents home can appear to be.

That is, so I thought. 

Until my entire sense of self worth was thrown into an abyss of uncertainty after an unfortunate near-death experience  (see The Weekend I Almost Killed My Dog On Accident).

Upon reflection, I've realized that I actually have an extensive history of irresponsibility—specifically as far as other living creatures or organic materials are concerned.

Just ask my Ficus plant. 

This is what a Ficus plant should look like

This is what my Ficus plant looks like after 5 years of tender love & care...

Note the adorably whimsical sign my very helpful work cubby mate attached.

 

 

I rest my case.

WTF Wednesdays: Emergency Room Deceit

Dear All People Who Work in Emergency Rooms,

Wearing scrubs when you don’t have the credentials to administer morphine is mean and should be illegal.  PLEASE STOP.

Thanks,

The Cranky Bitch in Room 2

p.s.
STOP SMOTHERING ME WITH YOUR EFFUSIVENESS AND CHEER. 

Conversations on the Job: Bob, again.

Welcome to a new series on this here blog that no one reads, in which I will chronicle actual conversations that actually happen at my job which I shall proudly call: Conversations on The Job.

You may remember my previously documented interactions with my client, Bob.

Well, I ran into Bob again.

And, again, he was in need of some "female advice".

Bob: Alright, so I got this girl, feel me?
Me: No.
Bob: Well, she be workin, you know? So I gotta decide if imma smash or pass.
Me: Smash what?
Bob: Huh?
Me: Are we talking about marijuana?  Because I saw that movie where Chris Rock is all like, "puff puff GIVE!  You're fucking up the rotation!" Is that what we're talking about?
Bob: *staring blankly*
Me: You know.... by "pass".  Marijuana?
Bob: *more blank staring*
Me: I'm sorry, I forgot myself.  Go ahead.
Bob: So...
Me: Oh, wait!  I get it!  She's a prostitute.
Bob: I don' like ta play it like that.
Me: I don't understand
Bob: I mean, you know...
Me: No. I don't know.
Bob: *sigh*
Me: *no response*
Bob: Man, you gonna help me or not?
Me: Probably not.
Bob: I'm for real.
Me: *no response*
Bob: So I got this girl...
Me: The prostitute?
Bob: Now you aint even payin' attention...
Me: What? I'm paying attention!
Bob: Nah.
Me: Ok so I may have drifted off a little bit.  But NOW I'm paying attention.
Bob: *side eyeing me*
*uncomfortable silence as Bob side eyes me*
Bob: So i got this girl...
Me: Who is NOT a prostitute.
Bob: Well, she and we smashed, you feel me?
Me: Smashed what?
Bob: Nah, I aint tryin' ta play it like that, you know?
Me: Not really.  I don't know what any of this means. You got to white it up for me Bob.
Bob: A what?
Me: I'm a white girl Bob.  I grew up in *insert very white suburb here*.  I don't know what any of this means. 
Bob: Oh.  I feel ya.
Me: See?
Bob: Yeah. Okay, lemme break it down.
Me: That'd be great
Bob: so I got this girl, feel me?
Me: So far, so good.
Bob: And she be gettin some attentions.
Me: Nope
Bob: What?
Me: You've lost me.
Bob: Oh forget it.
Me: I think that's for the best.