First Rule of Fair Going....WINE.

Dear Four-Year-Old-Neice Who I Agreed To Take To The Local Fair,

The first rule of fair-going with your favorite Aunt is that the Wine Garden comes before the Petting Zoo. 

What? 

Don’t look at me, I didn’t make the rules.  I just follow them.  To the Wine Garden.

Love,

Your Favorite Aunt Ever (also the person who gives you candy when you're mom says 'No'...lest you forget) 

Letters to Inanimate Objects: Attention Stapler

Dear Work Stapler,

I’m afraid there has been some kind of miscommunication.  It’s not your fault, I TOTALLY GET IT. 

I mean, people put stuff in front of you and you eat it.

It happens to the best of us. 

Frankly, for the first two years of my life I thought I was here for the exclusive purpose of eating my own hand. 

But I was WRONG.

In fairness, you are (after all) a government funded resource, so perhaps you’ve not been privy to the very latest in stapler technology?  In fact, if my work computer is any indication, your origins are circa 1969?  So, allow me to be the bearer of new information. 

First off, as I learned the hard way in 1984, people will only put ketchup on things you are SUPPOSED to eat and NOT on those things which do not belong in your mouth. 

Have you tasted any ketchup on the things I have put in front of you? 

Think carefully now…no?

That’s right. 

So in the future, when something is placed between your jaws, if it does NOT have ketchup on it, it is safe to assume you are not meant to EAT it. 

You are only meant to gently place a staple into it.

That’s all.

I’m glad we had this talk, aren’t you?

Thanks,

Your owner (or, at least, the current occupier of the cubicle in which you’ve been assigned)

You Are A Dumb Twat.

Recently, a totally reasonable person said something reasonable. 

This person, who also happens to be the President of the United States of America, and who shall henceforth be referred to as P.O.T.U.S.W.A.H.T.N.B.A.D.T.

(aka President Of The United States Who Also Happens To Not Be A Dumb Twat)

said this:

"I do think what's shifted is a notion that the wealthier you are, the more conspicuous consumption you engage in. The more successful you are, the more society should stay out of your way as you pursue the bigger house or the fancier jet or the bigger yacht," Obama said.  "Were there things that all of us might have liked to have? Sure. But partly, I think, there also has been a shift in culture. We weren't exposed to things we didn't have in the same way kids these days are. There was not that window into the lifestyles of the rich and famous," the president said. "Kids weren't monitoring every day what Kim Kardashian was wearing, or where Kanye West was going on vacation, and thinking that somehow that was the mark of success."

Aaaand, you may or may not have recently read the response from Kim Kardashian's "momager" Kris, who shall henceforth be referred to as T.D.T.W.S.S.S.A.P.U.

(aka The Dumb Twat Who Said Something Stupid As Per Usual)

 

which went something like this:

"Blah blah blah blah Kim Kardashian is the hardest-working young lady in the world. blah blah blah"

I think, in fairness, P.O.T.U.S.W.A.H.T.B.A.T.R.H.B. used multisyllabic words which probably confused Kris as to what exactly "hard work" meant.

Or she's a dumb twat.

Do you want my honest opinion?

No?

Well then GO AWAY.  This is my blog.

I say this:

FYI: T.D.T.W.S.S.S.A.P.U. (aka Kris Kardashian): IMO, you calling your daughter the "hardest working woman in the world" is an insult to women IN GENERAL, but in particular to all of us women who WENT TO COLLEGE & earned advanced degrees to launch our careers, as opposed to HAVING SEX ON THE INTERNET and then selling the tape for profit you dumb twat....

Anal Penetration. For No Discernable Reason.

My beloved shih-Tzu (and blog name sake), Mabel, has a severe heart condition.  This means that often we need to go to the vet for check ups, which inevitably involves a thermometer up her ass.

Why?

No real  discernible reason.

Because, really, what does her heart condition have to do with her anal regions?

Nothing, I contend.

But none-the-less, here comes the anal penetration every single time.

My sweet Mabel is not the sharpest tool in the drawer.  She seems initially confused...

 Every. Single. Time.

Totally oblivious to the anal penetration to come...

"Hi MOM!!!  This seems like, fun!  Lot's of great smells....what are we doing here, by the way?"

And then...reality sets in.

"Wait...you're going to do WHAT?!?!?!"

"With WHAT?!"

MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!

Dad-isms: Watch Out For Stalkers

My dad just walked into the living room (where i am watching TV and trying to think of something clever to blog) and closed the blinds that face the not-so-busy street...

And then the following dialogue occurred: (I swear, I could not MAKE this up)

Dad: (staring at me accusingly) um, what if there's someone out there stalking beautiful women?

Me: That depends; what kind of job does he have and what kind of car does he drive?

Dad: *without missing a BEAT* He kills women and I can't tell because he's parked around the corner

Me: Well then, by all means, lock the door while you're at it.